1. As you can probably guess I’m not great in the sack, but if I sit on your Honda the right way I think I can pop that dent out. 2. Don’t think of me as a potential boyfriend. Think of me as your own, personal bounce house. 3. I’m going to be perfectly honest, my goal is to have sex with you before you see me in swim trunks. 4. I know, I know. I’m even better looking in person than I am on my driver’s license picture. 5. I’m just an overweight, single white male seeking a cute girl with poor vision, really low standards and a secret birth defect. 6. Look, I don’t know if you are even remotely interested in me. If you are, that’s great. If not, are you going to finish those fries? 7. There’s a new all you can eat buffet opening next week. What are you doing Saturday between 11:00 AM and 10:00 PM? 8. In the U.K. I’m only about 24 stone. Do you want to work on the stone to pound conversation over drinks and some Pop Tarts? 9. Do you like guys with love handles? Then you’re gonna love me. I have side curtain air bags. 10. Let’s cut to the chase. I’m fat and ugly and you’re stunningly beautiful. I can’t get a date and you have guys hanging all over you. I have to use a step ladder to tie my shoes and you make those size 2 jeans look like they are painted on. I have some very incriminating pictures of you with a monkey, a chandelier, a two liter bottle of Coke and some Mentos, you have a date with me this Saturday at 7:00 o’clock.
Read the rest of this article here »July 5th, 2010
I admit it. I’m not that religious and I really don’t get the whole Jesus thing. Jesus is crucified, comes back from the dead, and now every year people celebrate his resurrection with fuzzy, stuffed Easter bunnies, chocolate eggs and brightly colored, marshmallow peeps?
Read the rest of this article here »
June 24th, 2010
Everyone is always freaking out about food labels. Why? Because every few weeks the media launches a new blitzkrieg about the new found dangers of some food additive or some ingredient up to no good. Saturated fat? That stuff will kill you faster than a gang of truant East LA teenagers. Cholesterol? Might as well stick a cherry bomb with a short fuse up your ass. Gluten? I don’t even know what that is but I’m guessing it’s better to free base crystal meth that has been deep fried in peanut oil.
Read the rest of this article here »June 16th, 2010
Touchdown Jesus has burned to the ground
June 14th, 2010
A fan of the Slob shares his insight, wisdom and wacky sense of humor. Watch the video!
Read the rest of this article here »June 11th, 2010
Dora and Diego busted in Arizona Arizona nabbed a couple of South-of-the-boarder troublemakers last week. They were apprehended by police near a Home Depot under Arizona’s tough, new immigration crackdown law which allows the police to arrest anyone thought to using less than a SPF 30 sunscreen.
Read the rest of this article here »June 6th, 2010
A few weeks ago I was hit with a three day stomach virus. Everything I ate was either immediately stamped “return to sender” and came (projectile this, not that!) back up or was stuffed into a high speed service elevator running through my bowls before being unceremoniously kicked out the trap door attached to my ass. It wasn’t pretty. Remarkably, it didn’t stop me from eating. In fact, in a competitive nature not seen since I had to throw myself in front of six others at a Krispy Kreme counter for the last 28 donuts, I took the virus on mano-a-mano. You’re going to make me throw up a 12 inch, meatball sub? I’m going to down three cheeseburgers and a beach bucket full of fries. You’re going to poop-chute-express my giant salad bowl of cereal? I’m going to eat five everything bagels with a few smear favors you didn’t know existed.
Read the rest of this article here »May 29th, 2010
Dear Big Fat Slob, I love those 100 calories packs of cookies, crackers and sweets. I think they are a great way to satisfy your sweet tooth without over doing it. What do you think? 100 at a time – Winnemucca, NV
Read the rest of this article here »May 20th, 2010
Chickens are going to be pissed. Fat people are going to dance in the street, probably naked. But this Slob is going to continue his crusade to have the flimsy Double Down Chicken Sandwich by KFC sent someplace where it will really do some good. Like Somalia. Everyone in Somalia (except the pirates) is skin and bones.
Read the rest of this article here »May 18th, 2010
When I was in middle school (then called Jr. High for those of you keeping score at home) in the early 1970s we had to learn the metric system. We were told that soon everything in the United States was going to go metric. Our teacher was most emphatic that if we didn’t want to be left behind in the shadow of our European cousins (and no one did) we had better buckle down and be ready for any number of pop quizzes dealing with Celsius, grams and centimeters.
Read the rest of this article here »May 18th, 2010
This Tea Party movement is sweeping the nation or, at least, that part of the nation comprised of overweight, older, angry, white Americans. While the revolution may not last any longer than Mariah Carey’s acting career, I think it’s high time the tea baggers looked to capitalize on their noteririty. After all if Sarah Palin can write a best selling book using one and two syllable words and lots of follow-the-dot pictures surely the Tea Party can sell an official coffee mug or key chain to cash in, right?
Read the rest of this article here »May 12th, 2010
Dear Slob, My wife is always complaining because I have put on a little weight. I have gained 55 pounds in the past five years and she wants me to buy new pants because she says I can’t wear my old ones without everyone seeing my butt crack. She says either lose some weight fast or buy some new “fat” pants to cover the crack. I don’t think the crack is that big a deal. What do you say? Vertical Smile - Modesto, California
Read the rest of this article here »May 11th, 2010
The Slob may have died and gone to Heaven. Just the other day I was lamenting the fact that there are no good colognes for men who eat like pigs and know how to down 3 to 5 over-sized burgers in a single meal. What’s up with that? Why are we being ignored? I don’t want to smell like musk or knotty pine or sea foam or sandalwood. I also don’t like human pheromone spray that, supposedly, attracts beautiful women. I swallowed bottles of the stuff and it did not work! The closest I got was when I had to full on waddle at top speed into a womens’ restroom before I made icky in my pants. That stuff goes through you in a hurry.
Read the rest of this article here »May 7th, 2010
In a previous post I talked about the oh-so-lame new Double Down chicken sandwich from KFC. That’s a great sandwich…if you’re a bed wetter.
Read the rest of this article here »
April 29th, 2010
Yahoo has become the National Enquirer of web portals. Open it and you are greeted with hard hitting news teasers like, “10 things he’s not telling you” and “Celebrities who do their own laundry”. But where they really shine is when it comes to fluff about food. There is always a wildly exaggerated story or two related to food, like:
Read the rest of this article here »April 28th, 2010
The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real! That’s what they say. But the Slob says the new KFC Double Down Sandwich is real my Winnebago sized ass. Who did they make this wimpy tidbit for? Nursing home patients on a month-to-month lease? Sports Illustrated swimsuit models? One of Sally Struther’s kids? Listen, you buy a couple dozen of these nuggets, some toothpicks, a jar of those fancy little pickles and throw it all on you best, plastic serving tray and you are ready to host a friggin’ Mensa party.
Read the rest of this article here »
April 10th, 2010
Dear Big Fat Slob, I am 5′5″ and about 170 pounds. My husband says that I’m fat. I say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and is more than skin deep. To me it’s what’s on the inside that determines if a person is beautiful, not just their weight. What do you say? Big Fat Slob Says: Yeah, you’re fat. Dear Big Fat Slob, I’m about 60 pounds overweight.
Read the rest of this article here »
“It was a dark and windy night. I stayed home. I ordered pizza. Not a small one either. A big one. Really big. So big in fact….
